


"I'm Fine"

by CourtNicxVoltronxYJ



Category: Voltron: Legendary Defender
Genre: Depressed Keith (Voltron), Gen, Keith (Voltron) is a Mess, Self-Harm, Suicidal Thoughts, Suicide
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-04-12
Updated: 2018-04-12
Packaged: 2019-04-22 02:58:34
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,844
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/14299278
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/CourtNicxVoltronxYJ/pseuds/CourtNicxVoltronxYJ
Summary: Keith just can't seem to do it anymore. He's depressed and feels that it would be better if he was dead.





	"I'm Fine"

A mask.  
A mask is what I wear. It's a smile and the words: "I'm fine".

An act.  
An act is what I put on every single day. It's a performance to show them that I'm alright, everything is good even though it's not.

The truth.  
The truth is hidden from the world. It's the pain I hide. It's the truth that I'm not alright, I'm actually worse off than ever before. It's the tears my pillow collects. It's the 3 AM thoughts. It's the emptiness that won't leave. It's the feeling of drowning, not being able to breathe even though your not in any water. It's the quietness. It's the numbness, the loneliness, and the want to escape but not having the strength to do it.  
\-----------------------------------

Keith slowly got himself out of his bed. Each day was the same. The real him would have to disappear as soon as he was near the others, but for this short moment in the morning, he was free.

Keith slowly made it to the bathroom and stopped at the mirror like thing on the wall. He sighed.  
He hated every single inch of himself. He didn't recognize who he had become. He felt lost, trapped within his own skin, lies and life.

He got himself ready for the day, ready for the act but even preforming simply, normal things, like getting one self ready in the morning became such a challenge.

Keith soon found himself walking down the hallway, heading towards the mess hall to eat whatever creation that Hunk had come up with. The doors grew closer and his chest tightened up, making it hard to breathe and think. It was the same everyday but yet it was still a challenge, still a battle he had to face all the time, no matter how many times he has struggled with it.

He entered the room to everyone. Everyone who seemed so put together, who were so happy, who didn't wear a mask to hide their selves.

He sat down with a small sigh.  
Lately, it has been getting harder and harder to keep his act up, to hold the pieces of his mask together when it is cracking and slowly falling apart before him.

Everything single thing was hard, no not hard difficult. It was becoming unbearable for him.

Breathing. Talking. Walking. Pretending. Thinking. Waking up. Eating.

It all was a struggle for him.

He either got too much sleep or none at all because his thoughts and the voices in his head wouldn't stop and shut up. His mind would race all night which would cause more pain and tears to fall down his face.  
He sleep too much when just the thought of moving became too much or when it became useless, just like he saw himself, useless.

He heard his name so he inhaled and fixed his mask as he looked over at Shiro.

Things were becoming so different now since the team learn that he struggled with depression.  
In the moment they learned this about him, he felt betrayed and judged.

So now, all the time, everyday someone would ask him if he was okay.

He would lie of course but even having to lie was becoming a handful for him.

Keith sent Shiro a smile and used his famous words that he said at least a hundred times a day.

"I'm fine, Shiro" said Keith as he then reached for some food goo to kept up his act.  
He was okay, he was talking, smiling and now eating. What could possibly be wrong?  
But for Keith, every single thing was wrong.

The day slowly went by and it was hell for Keith. He either felt like he couldn't breathe, that he was suffocating or the he wanted to scream because he was so trapped within himself, he had no one to talk to, no one who would listen and understand him. But, Keith didn't scream and he did his best to shove the feeling of suffocating down deep within himself.

His mind began to attack him as he sat around and watched his friends.  
The day seemed easy for them, it always does. They all were happy and not dying on the inside like he was. They weren't miserable, they weren't battling with their own mind, and they weren't struggling with the will to keep living. They were completely alright and enjoying their lives as they should be but Keith just could never get there. He couldn't truly remember the last time he was really happy, the time where doing simply things weren't a struggle.

His mask was falling apart before him and a piece of him didn't really care. He was tired, so very tired of everything, of breathing, talking, and living.

When his act slowly began to fade away into the darkness where he was trapped in, where he has lived most of his life stuck it, that's when the deepest, darkest thoughts came out to play.

Keith was feeling numb and empty, alone and absolutely worthless.  
The team could find a better Red paladin, he wasn't needed or useful.

So, as the day went on, Keith grew more and more down. So down to the point he left all the others without a single word and headed off towards his room. But as he was walking down the hallway, the voices that told him to end it, where front and center now in his mind.  
An idea popped up and at this moment it seemed like a good idea. Maybe the only way to be okay again, to escape this hell of a life he was forced to endured each day.

So, Keith made it to the med bay and allowed his violet eyes to scan the shelve of Altean drugs. He has always kept a close eye on the ones Coran would use and what they did so if the chance every revealed itself to him, to end his existence, he could take it. His eyes finally landed on a bottle and a small smile appeared upon his face.

Jackpot, he had found what he was looking for. He grabbed it quickly with his hands shaking slightly and rushed off towards his room.

Once his door was closed, Keith felt like he could suddenly breathe again. He shut his eyes and allowed everything he had bottled up inside, every hurt, every word, pain and moment to come flooding out, drowning him in the process.

He felt so alone, so isolated, like there was no escape, no way out. So he moved towards his bed, where he had left his blade at this morning. He turned the blade he has always had within his hands as a new thought came to mind. He don't know where it came from or why it did but it seemed like his body had a mind of it's own. Before Keith could realized or understand what he was doing, it was already too late.

His sleeve of his jacket was rolled up and upon his once clean, pale wrist now housed a few red, bloody cuts.  
Keith inhaled at what he did, what he saw upon his arm but it didn't really register to him. It allowed him to feel something, anything within this numbness he has been trapped in. The pain felt oddly good and to him, he couldn't see a reason to not do this, to not cut. So, he brought his blade back down upon his wrist and drew it slowly, then quickly across, revealing in the pain it caused.

But soon, the emptiness and numbness came back with a hold lot of guilt and shame. He looked at his wrist and began to tear up, he was so lost, truly lost within himself.  
Keith now hated himself even more than ever before, something he didn't even think was possible to do.

So he grabbed a water pouch and the bottle of pills and starred down at them for the longest. His mind and the voices wouldn't shut up. He just wanted to block them out but didn't really know how, except for taking these pills and maybe, hopefully escaping for good.

Keith inhaled sharply and slowly opened the cap of the pill bottle with his hands now shaking more than even. He poured a fee out into his hand and looked down at them for a bit.  
These tiny things would finally grant him his escape from all the pain and suffering. They would set him free from himself and his demons, and it would set the others free of dealing with him. Keith shut his eyes and brought his hand up to him mouth, he paused for one second before he poured them into his mouth. He took a drink from the water pouch and then swallowed, allowing his tiny freedom, his tiny end to come to pass.

He became so lost in thought, in himself that he didn't realized he had finished the bottle until he was trying to dump more pills out from the empty container. He then laid back on his bed because his body felt heavy and sleepiness began to wash over him.  
He laid there for a few moments, just allowing everything to come to mind just as his breathing began to even out and slow down with his eyes heavy and beginning to flutter shut. The pill bottle slipped out of his hand as he was drifting off into nothingness. He inhaled deeply one last time as his eyes finally closed, bringing him to his escape.

All the pain, everything he has ever felt slowly began to fade away just like he did. He felt the weight on his shoulders lift as he was carried off into the darkness of his end. Keith smiled for a moment, enjoying the feeling of being able to breathe, to feel, to think, and to be alive. But with that last thought, his smile faded and he began to worry, to panic.

"Maybe this wasn't the right thing to do?" Keith thought but it was already too late, for he was dying, dying by his own hands because he was in so much pain and couldn't understand, find an exit or reach out for help. So he became even more lost now.  
He felt lost before, but now he was lost to this team, his friends who became like a family to him, he was lost from the world, the universe, and lost to ever finding happiness. He was lost to himself, he lost...gave up the chance of trying, to keep going, to stay strong and keep hope alive.

In his final moments Keith felt regret and uneasiness. For all he wanted was to feel happy, okay, loved and wanted. And sadly he had all that, he just couldn't see it or feel it, so his darkness took over, used that as an opportunity to destroy him and it did...it won and Keith was lost to them all, but especially to himself.

**Author's Note:**

> \--Now in no way am I saying that suicide is selfish or anything. I have major depression and I've attempted. All I am trying to say and hope for myself to hear and understand is that you aren't as alone as you think, that there are those who do care and will understand. That hope is a powerful thing, especially when you feel powerless.  
> Depression is powerful and strong but...you got to try and stay strong and fight it before you've become too far gone, before your lost to yourself and there's no way back.  
> So, if you have depression or some other mental illness please keep going, keep fighting and if need be, please seek out help if you can, it will be super hard reaching out for help, believe me but it could truly help you and possibly save you as well.  
> The National suicide prevention lifeline has been very helpful to me and others.  
> So if need be call or chat online with them, they can try to help. And that's all what we can really do, is to try.
> 
> I wish y'all the best and hope you find strength in keep going but if not, then I understand and wish something or someone could have helped or done more. Love y'all and thank you so much for reading my works, they are my escape from it all, allowing me to place my pain, my thoughts and struggles onto my favorite characters so that I don't feel so alone in the world, the universe.
> 
> Please be safe and take care of yourself.
> 
> Also, here is the national suicide prevention lifeline number if you ever think you may need it. (It's saved in my contacts for just in case)
> 
> 1 800-273-8255
> 
> Also here is a crisis number you can text:  
> 741-741
> 
> -And please, if your aren't in the United States, please do look up numbers that could help you in your areas.
> 
> Thank you and be safe.  
> #AlwaysKeepFighting


End file.
